


déjà vu

by SilverMoonT



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Exes and Lovers, M/M, Post-Time Skip, angst with open ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27451144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMoonT/pseuds/SilverMoonT
Summary: "You can't live without me, you can't exist without me, you can't breathe without me." The honesty in Suna's words finds his ear in the same way that the closeness of Suna's chest meets him back. "And you know it and it bothers you because you don't despise me, you despise yourself. You can't stand yourself."
Relationships: Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35
Collections: SunaOsa





	déjà vu

**Author's Note:**

> I can't hurt sunaosa, I said
> 
> Yes you can, Fede said
> 
> Yes I can, I agreed
> 
> ships: atsukita

The door scratching the wall would be proof enough to accuse Suna of being a liar should he decide to deny that he hadn't expected such an interruption to happen. Perhaps he is a liar, since expressing lies is making affirmations being aware that one is betraying one's own moral values, and alternating honesty in his favor is a quality that he possesses. Without knocking, without warning, without asking permission, Suna believes that being interrupted is not a coincidence but a choice.

The characteristic decorations of his hotel room look at him with disdain, blaming him as now the cream color of the wall counts with a small scratch. Laughing is what he wants to do because only a couple of seconds were needed for the anticipation of chaos to be acknowledged, yet he doesn’t stop looking at his suitcase. Still without even having sorted half of it, since he doesn’t need to spare a quick glance towards the door to know that only one person dares (and he lets), to interrupt his space, his life.

A simple, almost insignificant scratch, that's how it starts.

"If you even dare to ruin my brother's wedding."

Believing he is never wrong gives Suna the chance to hold a proud smile on his face. Only a mouth he knows too well could have turned satisfaction and irritation into a combination worth listening to, guilty and familiar lips that he has brushed with his, lips that he has become used to missing and visualizing when he can’t sleep, to detesting when he does want to get a decent amount of hours to let his muscles rest, but stay tense no matter how many times he opens and closes his eyes in the hope of meeting a new day rather than the same palette of blue tonalities provided at night.

"Not even a hello, straight to threats." His hands on his hips and the raising of one of his eyebrows highlight the attitude with which he decides to characterize himself once he faces Osamu. This is the beginning of a new moment between them. A scratch, characteristic body gestures, and words free of good intentions.

Osamu crosses his arms and their gazes meet.

Any thoughts that Osamu’s head has already prepared since not thinking is not a possibility when he is with Suna (and neither when he is not with him), get stuck in the form of silent words in his throat when looking at Suna's figure is enough to leave him voiceless. They have proven that disagreements between them are a possibility, and for that, while he quickly forces himself to look up so that later Suna can’t afford to remind him that he can’t take his grey eyes off of him, Suna chooses to continue stating his opinion after deciding that commenting on Osamu’s body is not worth his time.

"Unnecessary threats. If your brother and Kita-san have invited me, then they know I’m not the problem here."

"You’re always a problem."

Falseness hangs on Suna's smile.

If he is a problem, then Osamu is a problematic person.

"Your problem, right?" Suna knows what he is capable of if representing the greatest difficulty is his goal. "Don't worry. Unlike you, I know how to behave." He reminds him before turning back to rest his eyes on his suitcase.

"I do behave."

"Of course, by coming to my room, without asking permission, without saying hello."

Does he know he’s being a hypocrite? Yes. Will he stop being a hypocrite? No.

"You come to my life without askin’ permission, without sayin’ hello, it's just fair."

Suna wrinkles his nose at the mention of the last word.

Fair?

What can be considered fair between them? What decisions and gestures are they able to classify under the word fair? Being unfair with each other is fair in the same way that seeking to behave fairly is unfair because for them, pulling and pushing doesn’t appear as an option. They pull and push each other with the same intentions at the same time.

"Without asking how I'm doing," Suna clarifies. "I do ask you."

He always makes sure to ask _How are you?_ when Osamu is not distracting him too much yet, when he reminds himself to be nice and remembers that behind the pronunciation of that simple yet intriguing question, he really wants to know, he always desires an honest answer. But in the same way that he mentions words with intentions that are not said aloud, Osamu uses sarcasm as his ally.

_Bad cuz I'm with ya now. Like you really care._

Sometimes there’s not even an answer because silence itself is one.

"Just to laugh in my face cuz you know how I am, how you make me feel."

Annoyed, irritated, awake.

Suna understands him. They think they are fair because they manage to complement their respective emotions.

_Hurt me and I'll hurt you(ya), yell at me and I'll yell at you(ya)._

_Keep choosing me and I'll keep choosing you(ya)._

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Suna chooses to say as playing dumb is something he has learned to do when he is with Osamu. When he's not with Osamu too, since when he is asked about him, he shrugs or pretends the music is too loud and that taking off one of his earphones is a great effort that he doesn't plan to carry out. He stretches out one of his arms to take the first shirt he sees because it has been the last one he has kept, and places it on his chest to then face Osamu again. "Do you like it?" His fingers slide across the maroon color of the fabric. "I plan to wear it tonight."

They want their encounters to be taken as casual, as unfortunate events that occur just because and not because they seek to create them despite the constant denial. But even if it might not seem true, for the first time since they have started this new and endless routine between them, they find themselves in the same place due to external circumstances and not because they planned their paths to cross again.

That night is the rehearsal dinner, tomorrow Atsumu and Kita will get married.

And they, once again, find themselves drawing their own story in parallel. They know that sooner or later they would have crossed paths anyway, since although they no longer take the same directions, they make sure the lines still exist.

"You like it?" Suna adds knowing the answer. "You said it suits me."

Osamu never stops looking at him. He doesn’t slide his eyes towards the shirt that he has certainly given him because he thinks he likes the way it fits him. He believes that Suna blaming him for his past gestures is better than listening to Suna saying that he has burned or thrown away everything that reminds him of him.

"I like it better when yer not wearing anythin’."

Any piece of clothing has the possibility of being discarded, being thrown away, but Osamu knows that in the same way that he is not capable, Suna can’t get rid of the gestures that imply skin to skin contact, moments that are not accompanied by any type of texture because their bodies together is the only thing they need to feel protected.

Suna doesn’t correspond to his gaze and turns away to not let the slight burning that he feels on his cheeks turn into a small smile on his face, as he knows he should have expected that answer. "Is that what you came for?"

"I want to know why you agreed to come."

Osamu wonders what the real meaning of his words is. Suna too.

"It might shock you, and apparently you keep on taking the banner of our high school as a motto, but I still get along with Kita-san, so I came to his wedding."

"Just for that? Just for him?"

Suna believes that if his posture wasn’t bad in itself, his neck would hurt from running his face and looking at Osamu, since with those questions he's expected him to ask, Osamu gets him to rest his eyes rest on him.

Osamu pronounces them with no hesitation and his words are the same ones that he himself expresses when Osamu is the one to appear in Shizuoka with the pretext: _I’m visitin’ the city cuz I wanna see if it has enough qualities to open a branch here_. Every time he takes the train, Osamu knows that he will come across the same streets and the same buildings, but that doesn’t mean that again and again, he keeps coming back.

Because just as the city remains the same, the person he travels for, too.

"Do you want me to answer that I have come for you?" Suna asks him. "Is that what you want to hear?" He arches an eyebrow because Osamu mentions that they must be fair to each other only to be countered seconds later with the silent request to hear honesty. Suna tilts his head. "Do you also want to hear the way in which for five seconds I stared at the invitation as soon as I read your last name?"

His gaze falls to the floor.

**_Miya—_ **

_His mouth transforms into a line and the gold in his eyes gleams at the same time that his heart withers inside his chest at the visualization of those four golden letters drawn on a white envelope. His fingers wrinkle the corners of it. **—Atsumu and Kita Shinsuke invite you to their wedding**. His lips part to allow a breath of air to escape and the envelope ceases to be his focus of attention once he rests his eyes on his hands, noticing the sudden tension._

With what right had he allowed himself to feel... betrayed?

Suna looks up when his fingers crumpling paper are not his reality, but Osamu's hands taking his arms. He has come closer to rest his fingers on his skin, to dig his nails into his skin, bringing Suna down to reality, bringing himself to reality because he has erased most of the space between them without even thinking about it. Perhaps sometimes he allows himself not to think when he is with Suna. Suna looks at him and the fabric of his shirt wrinkles in his hands, and Suna can only wonder, if he always needs to have something in his hands because otherwise he is afraid of what he is capable of doing when he is with Osamu.

"I would never be able to do something like that to you."

Osamu presses his forehead to Suna's and Suna closes his eyes because Osamu's words are whispered over his lips. His senses focus on Osamu's hands on his skin, again imprisoning him but also comforting him by tracing circles with his thumbs. Despite the screams, despite the arguments, and despite the fights, he knows that Osamu is a good person, but he is not (or at least he believes that), and that gives Osamu the right to behave as he wants with him.

"We'd never be able to break up, and we broke up." Suna reminds him.

He also reminds himself of it although it’s not an easy detail to forget.

They are not a couple and for the same reason the possibility of Osamu finally deciding to forget about him would have been a valid reality. They don’t hold hands walking down the street, Osamu doesn’t tell him about the new restaurants that have opened, and Suna’s social media doesn’t have pictures of them showing affection. But those details don’t imply that they are not together, since at that moment, with Osamu's hands on his arms, and his face a few centimeters from his, Suna believes that they can’t be considered complete strangers either.

"We would never be able to hurt each other, and we did, we still do." He adds.

They play with each other's feelings by not letting go, but what option is left for them when even thinking about freeing the other gets the concept of misery to be familiar? They hurt each other because there is no alternative but to endure the suffering and make that affliction a silent and noisy partner. Silent because looking to the side and stretching one arm just to feel the emptiness under the covers are constant actions, and noisy because the balance can only be provided by shouted words, memories thrown in the face, and exclaimed reproaches.

Suna opens his eyes. "You are capable and I would have deserved it."

Osamu doesn’t surround him with his arms to whisper a contradiction, to deny and assure him that he doesn’t deserve anything bad because good people are surrounded with bad circumstances. He transforms his caresses into a pressure on his arms and Suna keeps looking at him because Osamu separates his forehead from his to match his gaze, but Suna chases him —he always does, in the same way that Osamu chases him—, and presses his forehead to his.

"You’re playin’ the victim again."

Suna licks his lips and avoids smiling when Osamu looks down at that gesture.

"Your brother doesn't want me here."

"Can you blame him?"

A silent negative response is the only answer Suna is capable of producing.

He can't blame Atsumu for giving him a serious look upon noticing his presence, since in the end, beyond considering himself former teammates, he is also the person Osamu talks to him about incessantly, many times testing his patience because his words count with floating hearts around them, many other times because only complaints are those to leave his lips.

He can't really blame anyone but himself and Osamu.

"Do you want me here?" He asks him.

They are not lying, but they are not completely honest either.

"It doesn't matter where I am." Osamu responds.

His fingers stop exerting pressure on Suna's skin to travel up his shoulders, following his nape until one of his hands makes that part of his body its home and the other goes up to his chin. "Yer always there, following me," He says, outlining his lower lip with his thumb. "Looking at me with those eyes of yours." Golden color edged with black eyeliner is what he finds when he searches, and also when he doesn't and all he wants is to close his eyes without fear of thinking. "Tormenting me."

When he finds an eyeliner —forgotten on purpose or not, he doesn’t know— in his apartment, when from that fact he has the excuse to send a message —because he really needs an excuse to write, right?—, when he blinks and it’s not only black what he finds, but black serving as makeup. Suna torments him, sometimes without even trying, but the reality is, that Suna always seeks to torment him, and for the same reason he is not surprised when the tip of Suna's tongue touches his finger.

"I get used to it," Osamu assures him. "It's still difficult anyway."

Suna rolls his tongue back and clicks it on purpose.

"Do you think it hasn’t been and is not difficult for me?"

Osamu lets out a sigh. "Don't start." He says, but Suna never starts, he ends.

With his patience, his tolerance, his control.

"Playing against Black Jackals is hell and not because they are good a good team, but because your brother is not attentive to my blocks, but to me, looking at me, assuring me that all the fault is mine."

"Stop." Osamu rests both hands on the back of his neck.

"Against Red Falcons, accepting Aran's words as if his simple hand on my back could make me feel better, when I know that he is only thinking of me because he cares more about you." Suna continues.

If Osamu has expressed that he torments him, then he has the right to do the same.

It’s fair, right?

"Enough."

"Coming back to Hyogo is bad for me and you know it. I feel bad the second I'm here." Suna expresses and Osamu runs his face. "When I meet up with Kita-san I can only wonder, wait, when will he say something to me, when will he also get fed up with me."

Osamu turns away from him and frowns. "Stop playing the victim!"

In the same way that Suna is not surprised when Osamu approaches him, neither is he overwhelmed by shock when Osamu moves away from him to allow him to see his expression laden with irritation. Suna believes that Osamu is used to being expressive although he is always considered to be characterized by a serious face since he has a twin brother whom he must face. He does fight with his sister sometimes, but they are not twins, so while Osamu explodes with exclamations and expressions, he does so with looks and spoken words, in a low voice but just as irritated as Osamu's screams.

"But I keep coming back, don't I?" Suna asks him, he asks himself. "Because no matter where I am, I could have taken refuge in Tokyo, Nagano, Hiroshima, Shizuoka. But I didn't because even my teammates look at me with concern every time we play against Black Jackals, every time I say that I will come back to Hyogo for the weekend." Quoting the names of the cities that he has passed through thanks to his career with his team makes no sense when thinking of the word home, buildings or street names are not what appear in his head. "I can't see a stupid onigiri without thinking of you."

The situation is unfair and seeking to be fair with each other is the only option they have left.

"You torment me as much as I torment you." Suna assures him. "I cried as much as you did."

Spending time with a person and falling in love with someone implies learning their habits— unconsciously, sometimes consciously—, acquiring their habits, the bad ones and the good ones, having knowledge about all the details that make up that person. Osamu and yelling is not a recent combination since having a twin brother is considering talking and screaming as synonyms, but Osamu has learned that shouting can hurt, and shouting when he incorporates Suna's sarcasm into his vocabulary, hurts even more.

"I'm sorry yer perfect eyeliner was ruined! Buy yerself a waterproof one!"

And just as Osamu gets used to Suna, Suna gets used to Osamu and his explosions. "You're an asshole!" He exclaims before throwing his shirt against his chest.

"You want to play the victim, so be it!"

Osamu throws his shirt back at him in the same way because there is no hero and a villain, there is no good side or bad side to the story, but two versions of a relationship that doesn’t reach its end even though the words _"We're done!"_ and _"Fine!"_ have already been expressed.

"Sometimes I wonder why I went out with you!" Suna throws the shirt at him again.

He wonders why he let himself fall for him, why he tolerated Osamu assuring him that holding hands and dedicating smiles are actions he wants to incorporate to his routine. Why through stolen glances, small shared moments of hands on thighs, head on shoulders, head on laps, whispered conversations, and words exchanged with homemade food in between, did he allow Osamu to make him believe that he is capable of feeling and that love is a concept he wants to incorporate into his vocabulary.

"Cuz surprise, Rin, yer an asshole just like me!"

Instead of throwing the shirt back at him again, Osamu throws it against the bed and Suna doesn't move to pick it up because he doesn't always choose to ignore Osamu's shouted words. He stares at him and Osamu keeps his brow furrowed as sometimes his expression becomes automatic when he's with Suna.

"You called me Rin."

Suna doesn't know why he mentioned that detail. Perhaps as a reminder for both of them to understand, once again, that despite the shouts, the intentions are not purely bad. He can’t remember the last time Osamu has addressed him with the four letters of his last name. Osamu never chooses to chant it to call him and he would probably ignore him should he choose to do so. Because it's always _Rin_. Because no one but Osamu calls him _Rin_.

"How do you want me to call you? By yer last name?" Osamu doesn't even pronounce his last name. "I don't call you that even when you yell at me, when you push me, when you want to get away, when you want me to get away, when I'm angry with ya. Because callin’ you that would imply that I don't know ya but I do, we know each other too much, don'tcha think?"

Osamu approaches him but doesn’t touch him, and Suna thinks that Osamu not seeking to create physical contact feels stranger than Osamu choosing to hold his wrist with his hand when he doesn’t want him to leave yet but doesn’t want to say it out loud. When he wraps his arms around his waist from behind, his chest meeting his back, getting Suna to believe that he will never really have an escape from Osamu.

"Diddja come with someone?" Osamu adds.

"You?"

"I heard that you came with someone." Suna always takes care of letting him know that he has arrived, and much more if he is accompanied, but, "It ain’t true, right?"

Suna arches an eyebrow and looks to the side.

"Depends on your answer I guess."

Osamu touches the tip of his nose with his and Suna looks at him.

"I can't bring anyone with my mind on ya."

The strategies they use differ.

Osamu says he feels lonely, or maybe that he's happy on his own. Suna says he's with someone.

They both lie.

"Well, you don't see anyone here, do you?"

"I'm here."

"You always are." Suna agrees. "Annoying me, ruining my day." He clarifies on his lips. "Reminding me how hot you are, how much I like your voice. Even if it's to treat me badly, even if it's to be mean to me."

Osamu narrows his eyes because getting bored with Suna is not an option.

And staying behind, either.

"I copy you, I stay at the same level, because you know what? Our relationship is the two of us, right? We both push forward, each other, to challenge each other." Suna forms a line with his lips as he listens to him. "You are always there, posting a picture just when you know that I have my break at work." Sometimes the roles seem to be exchanged between them, because while Osamu is the one who speaks, the one who expresses the truth, Suna is the one who begins to despair, to feel the need for equality starting as a scrape at the end of his throat. "Casually walking past my stand when I'm working and we both know how big the stadiums you play in are." His collarbone tightens and his hands clench into fists. "Deciding to go to my branch when you come here."

Osamu takes another step towards him because the consequences of pushing Suna’s limits is an image that has become used to seeing, to creating, and as he has mentioned, he knows Suna too well. He is aware that he is provoking him, but he continues to do so anyway because if it were up to Suna, he wouldn’t hesitate to follow, so, "If you want my attention so much, why don'tcha just tell me, huh? Oh Rin, don't tell me, you miss me that much?"

Suna prepares to protest, feeling the need to express his displeasure with words traveling up his throat, taking over his thoughts at the same time as his brow furrows and the black around his gaze only indicates that he is displeased, but when he barely parts his lips with the intention of screaming because that is his way of showing his anger since he doesn’t like it when Osamu is right, Osamu rests one hand on his nape and covers his mouth with the other.

"I made ya angry? Does the truth bother ya?" Suna complains against his hand but doesn't move his own to push him away. "Don’t scream."

"You always tell me otherwise." Osamu manages to understand.

Osamu takes a look at him and Suna blinks.

They are both used to him yelling when he's angry. His sentences are not even exclaimed words, but simply screams expressed as a sign of being displeased, and for the same reason Osamu prefers when Suna chooses to attack him with words accompanied by rage, anger or sadness. Even though he likes breaking down Suna’s barriers, destroying Suna himself, he doesn't like hearing Suna scream, but the truth is that he doesn’t feel at peace when silence consumes him because Suna isn't there to shout at him.

Osamu continues to look at him and Suna corresponds to his gaze when he decides to allow a sound to scrape the back of his throat, a noise that doesn’t express anger or sadness, but rather other types of emotions that make Osamu squint when he hears him. Suna's throat vibrates again and the obvious and loud expression of his intentions finds the palm of Osamu's hand.

"What are you doing?" He knows what Suna is doing.

"Moaning." Suna assures him after reminding him that the words expressed by him are not the only expressions capable of driving him crazy after opening his mouth. "You like it."

Osamu tenses because he knows that this time they are not in one of their apartments, showing each other that no longer being a couple doesn’t imply not being capable of always remembering why they choose each other, since just as Suna has eyes for the way clothes tightens around Osamu’s torso, Osamu always finds his eyes sliding towards Suna's body, again losing himself in the golden and green color of his gaze, which at that moment he continues to correspond.

"Do you want to moan?" He asks him. "Moan for real."

Osamu stops covering his mouth to slide his other hand towards the nape of his neck and attracts him to take his lips with his, Suna's hands finally also creating physical contact after his fingers settle on his arms. Osamu doesn’t seek to be soft or calm, since although he and Suna are used to being seen that way by others, they know that short conversations are only one part of them.

The words exchanged between them are fierce and rough, and when they can’t yell at each other, the only option left is to join their lips with the same strength, seeking to ruin each other because worn out is already an adjective they can use to describe themselves. The noises that leave Suna's lips don’t indicate decrease in provocation, and his hands going up Osamu's arms to guide his hands from his neck to his back thighs shows that calmness is not what he wants either. Osamu concedes and rests his hands on his thighs to get Suna to wrap his legs around his waist at the same time that Suna surrounds his neck with his arms.

Just as many times only synonyms of anger are what they allow to leave their lips, many other times their mouths together remind them that knowing about each other is still a possibility because they spend their high school years expressing that memories are not necessary, while now they believe that the moments of trust that they have been creating and accumulating since they have shared class are the ones that allow gray to find golden again as Suna's back soon finds the mattress of the bed.

"You wanted to make me scream just to end up like this, didn't you?" Suna doesn't hesitate to express the instant Osamu lowers his mouth to his neck. The tips of his fingers brush the beginning of black strands and a smile takes over his face as he closes his eyes and feels Osamu's lips on his skin. "If you want my attention so bad, why _don'tcha_ just tell me, huh?" Osamu stops kissing his neck as soon as he hears the pronunciation of words he has mentioned earlier along with the teasing of his characteristic accent, and looks at him to match Suna's gaze. "Oh Osamu, don't tell me, you miss me that much?

Osamu lowers his eyes to the playful smile that Suna draws on his face.

He believes that after so many months between a back and forth of sarcastic comments, ironic but also real kisses, and words as accusing as they are honest, he would forge the practice of getting used to Suna and his range of attitudes. Suna is good to him, he shows him a part of him that no one else knows and not only because he allows him to surround him with his arms or to capture his lips with his, but also because he shouts words that no one else hears.

He's somehow used to it, used to Suna and to all the pieces that make up the puzzle that he is, that he has so many times put together as well as shatter, but he chooses to look at him again anyway. He leaves an elbow next to Suna's head to rest his cheek against the palm of his hand and with his other hand takes Suna's chin to stare at him.

"I want yer attention." He expresses instead of mentioning that he can't live without him. Suna doesn't need him to say it out loud, since not being complete liars but not totally honest is what gives them the chance to see each other. "I want ya."

Suna's smile disappears at the mention of those words.

"Be careful with the words you choose or I'll think you have convinced your brother to let me be here."

"You and I both know you wouldn't be here if I really didn't want to."

"I'm here again, this time under you." Suna wraps his legs around his waist to remind him that on that occasion, Osamu has been the first to give in first after catching his lips with his. Sometimes Osamu kisses him, other times Suna tugs at Osamu's shirt to draw him to him. "Being the victim of your words."

Being desperate for each other is not a sensation that they associate with being afraid. The impossibility of staying apart is not the frightening part, but rather looking at each other, without words and exclamations in between. Osamu considers Suna to be his weakness (and strength), while Suna knows that he can’t resist Osamu. Suna doesn't leave in the morning with silence as his guest and Osamu doesn't pretend to be busy when Suna appears in front of his shop.

Suna slides one of his hands towards his face but Osamu traps his wrist between his fingers before he can touch his cheek. He knows the sensations that being looked at with fondness by Suna cause him. They are aware that Suna can’t be described as innocent, but at that moment Suna takes his action as an offense.

"I let you be mean to me," Suna says. "I let you fuck me." The discarding of clothing is not a coincidence and neither are the hickeys that often interrupt their skin. "And you don't even let me give you a caress?"

"You know, and I know, that what you want is dangerous."

Allowing Suna to trace his cheek with his fingers implies closing his eyes and letting himself to remember when the sun worked as an alarm and getting out of bed wasn’t an option because they don’t need rain as an excuse not to abandon the conformity of the covers. Staring at each other and thinking of the other's arms as the only possible refuge has always been the chosen pretext. It means tolerating his head bringing up memories free of screams, misunderstandings, moments characterized by sincere smiles and vulnerability represented in the colors of their eyes.

"You want the same thing I do, isn't that why it's dangerous?" Osamu stares at Suna when Suna mentions that question since it's the only thing left for him to do when he knows Suna is right but he won’t admit it. "You are dangerous. I feel in constant danger with you because I can't control myself, and you can't control yourself either."

"Cuz you trust me, and that, for you, is a danger in the same way that for me, trusting ya is a danger."

The trust that remains intact between them is what at that moment allows Osamu to soften the contact and bring Suna’s hand to his lips to place a kiss on the back of it. Hands that push him, hands that accuse him, fingers that point at him, fingers that know where to caress, where to touch.

Osamu plans for Suna to wrap both arms around his neck by guiding them towards his nape, but the moment he leaves Suna's hand on his neck, Suna slides it to the collar of his shirt and looks at him before tapping it with his finger. "Off."

"You want it? Do it yerself."

Suna doesn’t frown or form a line with his lips upon hearing him.

He stops keeping his other arm around his neck to slide his hands down his chest and gaze at him as his fingers go under his shirt to lift it up once he reaches the hem of it. Osamu moves his head to make it easy for Suna, but Suna doesn’t rest his attention or his gaze on the new inches of exposed skin or on the piece of clothing he discards, but on the silver ring he takes between his fingers and which he finds hanging around Osamu's neck by a thin necklace.

Is this the meaning of promising to be faithful, to have and to be hold for better or worse?

For better, when Osamu opens the box with the ring in it and Suna looks at him instead of at the ring because his first and only love is declaring that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him, by his side. Their friends don’t congratulate them and their parents don’t cry with joy because they don’t find out, because nothing is official and that eternal declaration remains between the two of them in the form of hidden rings hanging on thin necklaces around their necks.

For worse, when despite Suna leaving a day before to Shizuoka because he can no longer stay one more minute in the same apartment as Osamu, he doesn’t leave his ring in the same way that Osamu doesn’t stop wearing his. Because they end their relationship, but in the same way that an eternal statement is never declared official since no ceremony takes place and they only need each other’s promises said aloud in the middle of the night to consider it a reality, the end of the relationship between the two is not definitive either.

Because they promise to love each other, and therefore, not to let go.

Suna brushes the silver color of the ring with his fingers.

"I trust that you will make me angry, that you will be there to remind me that I will never feel at peace again." Suna thinks about the irony of his words, since while before they were seen as the couple, as the duo characterized with silence as their company, now everyone knows what exclamations are those to leave their lips despite never having heard those for themselves. "Our fights calm me down, how is it possible? You tense me and relax me. We have changed but we are still the same people."

They used to be tense because the reciprocity of their feelings was uncertain and the signals were confusing, whereas now their muscles stay rigid because the feelings are mutual and the signals are clear. Staying side by side used to give them peace of mind, while now they calm down with the irony that the exclaimed screams bring with them as wanting to argue means creating opportunities to see each other, be face to face, skin to skin.

"You broke me."

Suna looks at him when he hears him. "You broke me first."

"Why does everythin’ have to be a competition with ya?"

Suna finally stops looking at the ring to stare at him.

"To make this all a little more fun."

"More unbearable."

"You can’t stand me?"

Osamu believes that the answer is clear since in case of not even being able to see Suna, as has happened many other times, he wouldn’t be with him at that moment. He supports Suna and has gotten used to supporting all the pieces that compose him, but he can’t stand him, can’t watch him with the ring between his fingers, not letting go of it because it implies not letting go of him in the same way that he continues to wear it around his neck because he refuses to release Suna.

But he still forces Suna to stop holding his ring after pulling apart and opting to sit on the edge of the bed. He believes that it’s confusing how they have decided to end because the bad moments were overcoming the good moments, as well as the fact that they continue to see each other despite having said that a relationship is no longer what can exist between them.

He runs a hand through his black locks and takes his own ring between his fingers.

He has thought, thinks, and will always think that Suna is the right person for him. They are equally brutal with each other, they throw the same type of words loaded with the same type of feelings in front of each other because understanding each other has already become a habit, and if having ended their relationship hasn’t erased the trust they have in each other, then nothing will.

Arms are crossed over his chest and Osamu drops his ring to take hands in his that never stop looking for him, either to torment him or get him to hold a smile.

"You can't live without me, you can't exist without me, you can't breathe without me." The honesty in Suna's words finds his ear in the same way that the closeness of Suna's chest meets him back. "And you know it and it bothers you because you don't despise me, you despise yourself. You can't stand yourself."

Osamu tilts his head when Suna rests his forehead against his temple.

"What are you doing with me?"

"The same thing you do with me."

Osamu asks, Suna answers.

"Stop hurting me."

Osamu pleads.

"Can't you see it? Without pain, there is no happiness, without hate, there is no love, without you, there is no me, and without me, there is no you."

Many times, Suna doesn’t obey.

"Stop playing with me."

"By altering your thoughts?" Suna exerts a little more pressure with his forehead on his temple. "By rushing your heart?" He takes their hands together in his favor to guide them towards Osamu's chest. "By increasing your pulse?" Suna tightens his fingers with his. "Isn't that what people call love, _love_?"

Many other times, Suna does fit his request.

Osamu turns his head so he can see him and they both look at each other.

He places orders and lets Suna decide what to do with his words.

If Suna continues to alter his sleep routine, if he dreams of him but can also consider the same images as synonymous of nightmares, it’s because at that moment he still holds Suna's hand with his own when Suna releases the other.

Suna slides his fingers under the collar of his own shirt to reveal a ring just like his. He holds it between his fingers and Osamu feels his gaze between the ring and him. Perhaps Suna doesn't want to hurt him but does it anyway.

"Remember when you got yerself a boyfriend?" Osamu asks him.

Suna allows the ring to remain on his shirt and runs off his face.

Osamu frowning and glancing at something or someone because of him is easier than making Osamu angry. He seeks to provoke him because encouraging him to feel different emotions implies obtaining a reaction, and the day that Osamu doesn’t react to his provocations is the day that he will worry as that means that Osamu no longer cares about him.

"I told Atsumu to tell you that." Suna looks at him.

He waits, and though he doesn't smile, his insides rejoice when Osamu says, "What."

"Do you think I have time for someone else?"

He doesn’t express that he seeks to make him mad because Osamu getting angry implies commitment. He claims that he has lied by saying that he has had a boyfriend because provoking Osamu, either with lies or truths, tracing endless paths on his skin, or exclaiming frustrations, is the only option he has left.

But Osamu, instead of reading that clarification between his words,

"And why diddja lie, why diddja involve my brother? Stop involving him!"

Situations like this that reminds Suna why they broke up.

"Hypocrite." He expresses on his lips to then stop keeping his arms around him. "You fool hypocrite." Many times he hides his intentions behind twisted truths, while other times he doesn’t hesitate to be completely honest. "Atsumu told me how happy you were, and I know you sent him to me. You got him involved first. He is your twin, he is your family, it was obvious." He specifies in case Osamu thinks that he hasn’t realized that listening to Atsumu was like listening to himself. He knows the twins, he does so because tension hasn’t always been that in characterizing his relationship with Atsumu. "I used to be his family, I was your family, once."

Suna lowers his gaze with Osamu's eyes on him.

Regardless of what kind of destiny they are both awaiting or forging, the truth is that they have gone from officially being together to seeing each other when they can but also when they want to, without going backwards because they can't, but neither looking forward since that option is not a possibility either. They can only focus on the present, and the present means their friends resting their eyes on them when they appear together. It means Atsumu thinking that what they are doing is wrong despite not saying it although other times he doesn’t hesitate to express it.

Osamu can't imagine his life without Suna, it wouldn't be the same.

"We should be the ones gettin’ married, Rin. It should be us."

Suna lowers his head because he agrees. It should have been them.

He can still remember and hear Atsumu joking with them, telling them that they would part just for knowing that they want to spend the rest of their lives together at a young age, still without rings to agree that they would probably get married before Atsumu and Kita. In a certain way it’s still true since they continue being in each other's lives, but they are not the ones who will turn their relationship into something official in front of all their friends.

"Stop."

"I'm scared cuz you've made me believe that a future, a life without ya, is not possible, it ain’t what I want." Suna doesn't look up when Osamu leaves his hand on the back of his neck. Osamu wishes he could place his hand on his cheek, but if he doesn't allow Suna to do it, then it's only fair that he doesn't either. "So I accept you, over and over again, yer screams, yer words, yer arguments, I take everythin’, I take ya completely, cuz I prefer to listen to ya yellin’ at me than not listen to you at all. I'm scared."

Osamu can’t leave a kiss on his forehead either, so he rests his forehead on his when the eyeliner around Suna's eyes decorates more than his gaze as a black tear slide down his face. He also accepts, accepts Osamu pronouncing those kinds of words, talking about a future that can no longer exist because he prefers to listen to his broken poetry instead of nothing at all.

"I'm starting to think you have a tears kink."

Suna runs the tips of his fingers under his eyes because it’s not the first time it has happened and it won’t be the last time that either of them, or even both, cry. He is aware how their friends think that since they can’t let go of each other then they should try again, but he doesn’t want to go through the same thing again, he doesn't want the existence of another possibility of ending his relationship with Osamu being a reality.

In the current way they stay tied, looking for each other.

"I don't care what I have, I don't have you."

"You have me." Suna contradicts him at the same time that he lifts his face and Osamu pulls away so he can watch him. "You have me to remind you of all the disaster you have made, the mess you have created and the damage you have caused, and I will never let you live without that, without me."

Suna moves his arm so that Osamu stops holding his hand on the back of his neck and chooses to lie on his side, promptly getting Osamu to copy him and both stay looking at each other. Osamu expresses that he doesn’t have him for Suna to assure him aloud that he does, but that gesture is accompanied by Suna reminding him that he has him not only so as not to forget about him, but also about everything that he has done.

"You are stuck with me forever, Osamu Miya."

Osamu leans into him so that his mouth is inches from his ear. "That means yer stuck with me forever too, Rintarou Miy—" Suna covers his mouth with his hand and Osamu looks at him. Suna lowers his hand and Osamu never stops looking at him. "So why does it have to be a bad thing?"

Suna doesn’t allow him to return to his position after lifting his head from the mattress and keeping their faces close.

"I know your brother doesn't like us being together, no one, actually."

"If he really didn't want you here, if I didn't really want you here, you wouldn't be here and you know it." Osamu trusts that his brother wouldn't have even considered the idea of inviting Suna if he really believed that Suna only represents pain. "I don't like it when we're together either, but I don't like it when we're apart."

Osamu remembers the nonsensical words that to this day continue to echo through his mind since Atsumu had mentioned them. A new competition had begun between them since Atsumu had proposed to compete for the happier life, and Osamu simply knows, that throwing Suna out of his own, would be equivalent to granting victory to his brother.

"Both options hurt me, so if I have to choose between pain and pain, I choose ya," Osamu adds. "At least this way I can kiss ya." He eliminates the distance between to rest a quick kiss on Suna's lips. "I can touch ya." He says again, bringing his hand to the back of Suna's neck. "I can feel ya." His fingers experience the relaxed tension that accompanies Suna's body.

"Don’t you get tired?" Suna asks him. "Of all of this?"

"I can't get enough of seeing ya." Osamu allows his gaze to meet Suna's. "Of listening to ya." No matter the accusing words, insults, or yelling. "Of tasting ya." He hides his face in his neck to give him a light bite.

"Lying suits you."

Osamu thinks that he can’t completely contradict Suna. He is tired of not knowing what will happen every time his path crosses Suna's, either by chance or because they both want to, since many times they yell at each other, many times they cry, and many other times they remain seeing each other for hours, in silence, their thoughts being louder than all the aforementioned insults. Seeing the ring around his neck and not being able to take it off because he can’t free himself from Suna either is tiring.

"I get tired of us always fighting."

He thinks it’s an irony. They have broken up for that reason, and yet, they still do.

"But you always come back." The difference is that before they fought just because, while now they do argue to keep seeing each other. "Are you afraid of being alone? Of feeling lonely? I'm just a resource for you because you know that I always come back to you too." Suna murmurs on his lips once their faces meet again.

"Have I ever made ya feel that way?"

"You have made me feel in many ways."

Angry, sad, happy. Suna has an infinite list of adjectives.

"But never an object."

"No."

Suna takes Osamu's ring and gently tugs at it so that Osamu eliminates the distance between them and kisses him. There are times when Osamu is mean to him, when he behaves in a bad way towards him because he does it too, but he can’t deny that despite trying to make him angry and get it, he knows that with Osamu everything is sincere, and that he doesn't keep seeing him just because he needs someone to kiss.

"I miss ya." Osamu says.

"I don’t." Suna assures him.

Osamu doesn’t allow Suna to kiss him again after taking advantage of keeping his hand on his neck to stop him from doing so. He stares at him because he is lying, because saying that they miss each other is allowed since they both know it's the reality that they can't deny, that they don’t mention those words just because.

"Liar."

"I miss you too."

"You look pretty when you lie."

Suna lays his head on the mattress and tugs on his ring so that Osamu is the one to have to approach him. "Make up your mind, am I lying or not? I'm not lying and you know it, you're just saying it to piss me off."

"Is it working?"

"It always works." They both know it.

The fun is in looking for the limits to break them down, in finding the weak points that they themselves have created in each other to twist them and thus achieve the desired reaction.

"Where am I going to sit tonight?" Suna asks him, "By your side or away from you?"

Osamu would like to have an answer. "I don't know, I really don't know." He replies.

Just as he can leave that room without the need for another shout and his peaceful exit meaning that they will sit side by side, with his hand probably on Suna's thigh, he can also leave by slamming the door, sitting as far away from each other as possible being the only outcome.

"Let me sit next to Kita-san."

"Soon to be Miya-san."

Osamu stares at him and Suna rolls his eyes because just as they are often sincere with the help of words, many other times they only need their eyes to meet to know what the other is thinking. Suna is aware that Osamu is thinking that he might also consider Miya his last name, but Osamu doesn’t allow his complaint to turn into something expressed because he drowns any attempted complaint in his throat after leaning towards him to kiss him.

They don’t ask for forgiveness nor say they love each other.

Suna apologizes after resting his forehead or the side of his head against his back while Osamu is sitting on the edge of the bed, wondering why they find themselves in that situation again, knowing that he can’t only blame Suna, but also himself.

Osamu apologizes to him by wrapping his arms around his waist, assuring him that he doesn’t want the words mentioned or the gestures carried out to be enough for Suna to finally decide to sleep in his parents' house instead of in his apartment every time he comes back to Hyogo.

"What are we going to do with this?" Suna asks him. "With us?"

Osamu believes that there is only one possible answer.

"You think we should stop?"

"Do you want us to stop?" Sometimes the questions go back and forth between them because the very words they want to say are those that are not expressed aloud. Suna knows Osamu's answer, but anyway, "Then leave." He says. "Go on, leave. Leave me, leave yourself because you are a part of me just as I am a part of you." Denying it makes no sense. "Leave." Suna stops holding the ring between his fingers, assuring him that he is giving him the chance to move, to go away. "Leave." He repeats, because if Osamu provokes him, he provokes him too. "Leave." He whispers on his lips, and isn’t surprised when instead of moving to leave him, Osamu again takes his lips with his.

Osamu believes that sometimes Suna manipulates him and that he lets himself be manipulated by Suna. But the reality is that he also manipulates Suna because he could have answered no, that he believes it’s impossible to end what is between them. He has made Suna ask him to leave only to unleash the opposite action because he must always go against Suna.

They look at each other when their mouths are inches apart.

"My mind keeps telling me to run away, to escape while I still have the chance, but my muscles don't listen, they don't move, the memory of my muscles is used to ya." Osamu answers, knowing that if he cries, then he can only blame Suna’s absence. "My body is used to yours." Suna lowers his palms to his chest. "I don't want it to end and I know you don't either because..."

Osamu rests the palm of his hand on Suna’s stomach without taking his eyes off him, and slowly lowers his hand between Suna’s back and the mattress to find what he knew he would find after bringing his hand into the back pocket of Suna's jeans and holding his hand between them, the key to his own room between his fingers.

"Trust me, I know you don't want it to end." Suna says.

Suna lowers his hand to carry out the same chain of actions and holds the card that he himself had slid under the door of Osamu's room before settling into his, because apparently, although there are many coincidences between them, luck is not what they want.

For the first time since they have seen each other on that occasion, the two look at each other with a raised eyebrow and one corner of their mouths raised. Osamu takes the keys to put them aside and moves again to stay on top of Suna, his hands resting on the sides of his head while Suna's hands remain on his chest.

"Never." Osamu says.

They don’t want this to end.

_I, Osamu Miya, take you(ya), Rintarou Suna, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do as apart._

"Never." Suna agrees.

_I, Rintarou Suna, take you, Osamu Miya, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do as apart._

They take each other’s lips again.

Those would be the words expressed according to their friends. But, they don’t say that they love each other since for them, love has already taken another direction.

_I, Osamu Miya, take you(ya), Rintarou Suna, to be my tormentor, to ruin you(ya) and to displease you(ya), for better when your(yer) smile is my end, or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness as love causes pain, and health, to love through silent hugs and to cherish with stolen kisses; from this day forward until life itself do as apart._

_I, Rintarou Suna, take you, Osamu Miya, to be my storm, to upset you and to exasperate you, for better, or worse when your smile is my end, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and health as love causes pain, to love through timeless stares and to cherish with late texts; from this day forward until life itself do as apart._

They promise to never let go, to never give up on each other. To never allow the other to stop thinking about the other, to never stop looking for or getting involved in their lives. To never stop using their mouths to yell and kiss, their arms to generate pleasure but also anger, their bodies to satisfy and sadden. They have already promised each other a forever through rings around their necks, while never is the true promise that unites them and that they must build day by day, shout after shout, expression after expression, caress after caress, and kiss after kiss.

They turn their dreams into nightmares as well as their nightmares into dreams.

Like a déjà vu, they carry on with the feeling of having previously gone through a situation that is occurring for the first time because the moments are repeated over and over again, without stopping, without failing. They accept the repetition of events, of emotions. A _last goodbye_ is not an option and _not anymore_ is not a possibility.

They are not a _forever_ , but a _never_.

_I promise to never stop loving you(ya)._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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